Too hot to post!

It's a few degrees cooler today. Just a few. The last few days have seem me do not much else than restlessly wander around my sweltering apartment, take a nap on the couch and generally try to not be consumed by the heat. Oh, did I mention I don't have AC?

I have much work to do, but it's like my brain is expanding as a result of this heat, pushing up against the walls of my cranium and leaving me with nothing but confused, cottony thoughts.

Instead, I picked up In-N-Out and brought it to my grandmother's house for lunch.

Is this heat an excuse to lose my concentration, my focus. What would happen if I had to live through these sweltering, humid temperatures the entire summer? I hardly think that would be carte blanche to dismiss several months of my life to 'heat exhaustion.'

So, as an ode to the heady, sweaty Los Angeles summer, I have posted another quintessential California icon.
Palm Trees swaying behind In-N-Out.

Inspiration or Outspiration

It's hard to believe that under these bright clear skies, inspiration seems to have become as lost as clothing on Lady Gaga. I'm excited to be working on a new piece, yet I've been stuck, without the words to paint my idea. So, yesterday afternoon I decided to seek some inspiration and cool air at the museum.


 The Norton Simon is one of my favorite museums. It's small enough to not be overwhelming with a soft intimacy but still has a wonderful collection of paintings that I never tire viewing. I even discovered their app that allowed me to listen to audio commentary through my iphone. Appreciating the colors, subjects, compositions I was hoping to saturate myself with even a sliver of their genius. If only for a minute. To feel what it must have felt for these artists to be so driven to create and to put down in color their thoughts and desires, no matter how hidden or overt in the subject.

After spending a few hours I almost felt guilty ducking out of the beautiful day to search for something I didn't know even where for to search. In the spirit of mindfulness, I think inspiration should be absorbed wherever you are. In or out.

  

Patience leads to a rational tomorrow

This morning I woke exhausted, restless, and hot and sticky under the growing humidity.  My alarm sounded off reminding me that I had just drifted off to sleep only a few hours prior. My mind was on overdrive, not allowing me to sleep. Again.


 In trying to sift through the gaggle of thoughts flying through my head the night before, I realized something.  My thoughts are forcing impatience. I know I have made decisions simply to shut my mind up. Under the guise that if I find some kind of closure to the relentless march in my head, and to quite possibly bring that future scenario (no matter how realistic or not) I've conjured in my head to fruition sooner rather than later, then I'll be free. At least free to be filled up with the next unrelenting march of a new topic. Unfortunately these decisions tend to be rash and the next day or even the next hour I question and fret about the decision of closure I just made. Fueling the never-ending cycle.

 I started questioning what life is. What it means for me, what I want out of it and do we really have any clue what life is about.  Of course the answer is as unique to each individual as the individual themselves. But, I think the bottom line is that life is about happiness. Do what makes you happy. Of course I could say, what would make me happy is to hop on a plane and fly to Paris tonight. But I think, like a designer who is working within given parameters, it's about designing that happiness to fit within your own unique parameters. Money doesn't always equate happiness, although I think it can sometimes if it's not taken for granted. We all need to live a little comfortably to afford that vacation or occasional splurge. But paramount to finding happiness is to do everyday what you love, what awakens your passion, even if it's just for a little bit. Be inspired to want to get out of bed in the morning to indulge your sense of sight, sound, taste, and touch a little everyday.Those senses should be appreciated because that's what makes the world come alive. Stare at the sky, listen to music, smell a rose, run your finger's down a piece of silk. Collect experiences like a stamp collection. Just do something. Other than work to live. And remember to breathe and believe.

I am here

It's been awhile since I've posted. I'm trying to get better. And I'll try to write everyday. Try.


Already it's warm and it's still fairly early, summer has finally arrived in Los Angeles. It's going to be a beautiful and busy day. Lunch with a friend in Pasadena, afternoon yoga class (if it's not too hot) and then I start my early evening, once weekly salsa class. I finally signed up, yay me!

The last few days, okay, weeks I have slowly embarked on a road to change, sparked by flashbulbs of epiphanies. I have struggled with relationships, yes, who hasn't? But, as I look at my friends who have all been in long-term relationships, I am the odd man out. I've never had a long-term relationship.  And to add to that, I now have to deal with the collapse of my career and extended unemployment. Which has led me to my newest epiphany:

I'm someone who is always in my head.

My mind is constantly looping, running and racing, at times like an out of control roller coaster.  It's never off. Ever. But it's the looping that's the biggest issue. My thoughts, targeted at a specific issue are like a song that's on repeat. This is something that's been going on since I was probably a teenager. I assumed everyone was like that. Especially now. I read articles online and in magazines about stress and how in our society it's rampant. So, of course everyone deals with it.

And in addition to the ever-looping, auto-repeats going on, I take upcoming events and start predicting how they will turn out - from start to finish. I will have already built out expectations of how something will take place before it's even happened. Even something as simple as lunch with a friend. New guys I meet, I begin predicting when they will call, or ask me out. I start analyzing patterns and making prediction. All of this leads to failed expectations and causes my mind to start looping, laced with negative thoughts of failure from my manufactured expectations.

Then I discovered there's an actual term, and why wouldn't there be? Rumination.

This looping and spinning of thoughts that go above and beyond the normal clatter of what goes on in a person's mind.

This realization, this information, this new awareness has prompted a me to seriously step back.
I am never in the present. I am always in the future. Living in a future world that doesn't yet exist, that may never exist.  A future created by own imagination.

This is where mindfulness my help to save my life.  I must learn to be here. Now. One day at a time. One hour at a time if necessary. I'm hoping this will change this life that has been on repeat, not being able to move forward, for more years than should ever be allowed.

And I ran away

Do you ever those days (or weeks) when the doldrums just seem to stick to you? You wander and wander around and fill your head with words that no one will ever hear and maybe, just maybe, jot them them down secretly. Hoping that to free the words will free your mind and your heart. Sometimes that doesn't always work. So, to escape I escaped. I ran away for the afternoon to Santa Barbara. I packed my bag, ready for overnight, stashed my laptop and breathed in the hope of a new adventure.

How amazingly beautiful it was. The blue sky was true, so flat and cloudless and calm. The temperature was nearly the same within and without my tortured soul. It was like floating in water. I wandered around the main drag and window shopped the cute boutiques. I had lunch with myself and with a glass of cool chardonnay. After inquiring at a couple of hotels, that were either booked or far out of my price range, (which, let's be honest...anything over $20 a night right now, is out of my price range.) I knew it was not going to last. The afternoon carried on comfortably and carefree and I knew I needed to come home. I had already RSVP'd for my writer's group that evening. Having already flaked on the last meeting, I felt I needed to go.

So, I said goodbye to my afternoon and strolled back to my car, where I new a long, arduous drive in late afternoon traffic awaited.

Still, it was worth it. Worth an afternoon where no one knew where I was. An afternoon of freedom. And I would do it again. Hopefully, with someone who's hand I can hold. If not, then just with me. I will hold my own hand.

The party begins - again!

Okay. How many times have I started and stopped blogs? Too many to count. I'm not consistent. I try. I really do. Hopefully this will be different. And by this, perhaps I mean, my life.

I have been out of work for nearly 6 months (again). This time I have filled my time with yoga and writing and other various adventures and positive experiences. Oh and looking for work, of course.

Having this free time shouldn't mean moping around and wallowing in the "I'm a loser" pool. Especially at my age. It should be an opportunity that few have to explore. Explore the city you live in - in my case Los Angeles. To explore who you are. To feel the sunshine dripping on your face, not just to see what it looks like from outside your office window (if you are lucky enough to have a window).

So, once again here I am. Shining or at least trying to. The year is over in less than 6 months.
Where will I be? Will I be in love? Employed? Will my book be launched to great success? Will my passion truly be my surfboard carrying through this tidal wave? (yes, that cheesy). But, seriously? Will it?

The countdown is on.