Monday, March 31, 2014

A quiet corner to quiet my cornered mind

Do you ever ask yourself if you have the grown-up version of ADD?
(Okay, I think it's called ADHD, these days).

Perhaps the other, approved name is multi-tasking, which of course makes it okay, even triumphant, to have a lack of singular focus. There's always so much going on inside our heads, it's crazy.

I've been working on my book. A re-write. Yet, I can't sit for more than 20 minutes without finding myself 'stuck.' I don't know where to go next in the story so I find myself playing with my iphone or browsing through my favorite websites - that I've already browsed through 20 minutes earlier.

I check prices of flights to Spain and now Argentina. I can't decide if I want to spend the (lots of) money to travel because I have the time. I desperately need a break from my current reality. Who knows when I'll find a job again. I need to take my grandma to the DMV, to get her her hair done, to get that blood test. I need to sign her up for Access Transportation. I still need to make breakfast. And what about that guy I was sort of dating, but not really? Of course I haven't heard from again. He kisses me good-bye, but I hardly see or hear from him. He's busy running his company, traveling constantly for work.
I need to look for work, apply for unemployment (can't believe I still haven't done that), take the spots of chipping nail polish off my fingers. I need to practice yoga daily, even if it's at home to prolong my class series at the studio I go to.

And my career. What about that career. What was it again? I can't remember.
I have a friend, she is a graphic designer. She's content where she is, working hard, overly hard for a company that hasn't given her a raise in almost 2 years, and at any minute could lay her off. That's the case in most companies these days. The point is, she's content. She has a job that pays the bills. I wonder if it's better to be content, and not so ambitious, than to be always dealing with the failure of your ambitions and dreams.


Maybe I need to go back to that quiet corner and just sit there for a couple hours (leaving the phone with internet access in the car)  until I force myself to find my focus. Where will I end up next?
I haven't grown up, I've only grown older.


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